Today, while sorting drawers full of papers I came upon my old diary that has tons of letters to Unmukt while I was still pregnant. This is the first of those letters:
I start this letter with the words Dear son for it is customary when writing a letter. Yet, it is redundant for you feel my thoughts as I think them. Some will even say my thoughts are becoming a part of the body you will be born with. The resonance of my felt perception will forever reverberate through you. Still it is not enough and I feel an urge to give them form. Perhaps it is more for my benefit than yours. That you are being written to at such an early stage of life shows the extent to which your loved ones’ hopes dreams and expectations will color your experiences. During my school and college years I often saw families where children inherited their parents’ unfulfilled dreams and never really found the opportunity to discover what their hearts desired. I felt their pain for some were my friends and hoped to never become that kind of parent. It was not until we crossed the 3 month threshold that I experienced the natural and innocent start of this process. Even as I consciously attempt to not project my lack upon you I DO have hopes for you, and these are the same hopes I have for myself. Only consolation is that my hope and dream for you is for you to claim your heritage and your right. I know not if we will ever gaze onto each other or for how long. But, while we are one, I wish to remind us of something. I love you and call you my son but truly you are not mine. You do not belong to me. I will be your mother—I will nurture and nourish you but my greatest responsibility is to help you find, recognize and love your true mother—Bhuvaneshwari. She is the eternal mother. She is your true mother. She is the only mother. I can merely give a body—a body that some day you will shed away. But you are not a body. I can give you an identity which will change during this lifetime and one day that too will fade away. But the identity we give is not your true identity. You are not just __________ Vyas. You come from me and yet; I did not create you. Even when you are still a part of me I am not doing anything to give you the body you will have. My body created by Mother works on its own giving you the body you must have based on your past karmas. You create your own vehicle–your body by your past karmas. So you see Son I can’t say you come from me. I am a tool—a vessel that Bhagwati chose to send her “Ansh” to this world. You are a Soul. You are immortal. You belong to no-one but yourself. Don’t restrict your “Self” to the identity we give you. You are Her ansh. Always remember that. When you are born, from the first time you perceive, you will perceive duality for that is the nature of Her Creation but remember that this duality is “Her” creation created for you to play with. Play with it like She intends you to. Play with it knowing there is no You and me. There is just Her. You are Her. Your father is Her. I am Her. Everything surrounding us—everything we perceive, everything we don’t perceive is Her. Another way of looking at it is that You are a part of me, I am a part of Her and in that way all three of us are just One. Isn’t that a happy thought?